First Team, All-Mustache

In honor of Mustache Day (Friday, March 23) I have decided to name my First Team, All-Mustache. The winners have been selected, not just on their careers in baseball, but also on the quality, notoriety, and uniqueness of the hair they've so carefully cultivated just above their upper lip. Here are your winners.

Catcher - Mike Piazza
.309, 419 HR, 1291 RBI in 15 seasons and counting

This one was pretty easy. A great hitter, a future Hall of Famer, and nearly as many facial hair designs as he has career home runs. I particularly enjoy the fact that, more often than not, he started to let his mustache connect with, what would be chin whiskers. In this particular picture as he's being honored as the 1996 All -Star Game MVP, Mike has what I like to call, the "mustache-plus." One might also call it a "plus" mustache.

First Base - Sid Bream
.264, 90 HR, 455 RBI in 12 seasons

I know what you're thinking. Sid Bream? Not Rafael Palmeiro? Not Don Mattingly!?!?? To you I say, "make your own damn First Team, All-Mustache, I'm going with the Breaminator." Here's why. This picture of Sidney Alouicious (may not be his middle name) Bream with the Pittsburgh Pirates is the epitome of the 1980's baseball player. The 80's were arguably the greatest decade in our nation's history, based solely on music and athlete facial hair. During his playing days, Bream was probably best known as the Atlanta Braves first baseman during their worst-to-first season in 1991. Coincidentally, this was also his first season with Atlanta. Was his mustache the sole reason this group of young upstarts finally clicked? Who knows. Did his mustache at least help in that endeavor? You bet your ass it did.

Second Base - Jeff Kent
.289, 345 HR, 1380 RBI in 15 seasons and counting

In the early 90's, big leaguers got together and decided that for one reason or another, mustaches were no longer cool. When word of this reached a 24-year-old rookie on the Toronto Blue Jays named Jeff Kent, he tried to fight those big leaguers. All of them. 15 seasons, hundreds of home runs, and dozens of dugout scuffles later, the scoreboard speaks for itself: Jeff Kent and Mustaches- 1, Universe - 0.

Shortstop - Robin Yount
.285, 251 HR, 271 SB, 3,141 Hits in 20 seasons

If you like Hall of Famers who rake, and do so with curly blond facial hair, then I know two people who like you...me and Robin Yount. He broke into the bigs when he was 18, won a pair of MVP awards, and even though he moved to the outfield midway through his career, he still played more career games at short (1,479) than at any other position. And you know what was there for him through it all? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with the word "fustache."

Third Base - Mike Schmidt
548 HR, 1595 RBI in 18 seasons

If this picture doesn't make you smile, you might want to call your state medical examiner, because you're most likely dead. While Sid Bream was mid-to-late 80's baseball, Michael Jack Schmidt was 70's-to-mid 80's baseball. Everybody knows about the home runs. And critics like to bring up the wiffs (1,883 career, 7th most all-time). But you know what, friends? He also had 7 seasons with 100 or more walks and took 1,507 free passes to first in his career (16th most all time). Yes, more than 38% of his career plate appearances resulted in either a home run, walk, or strikeout. And in 100% of those plate appearances, the opposing pitcher was staring down one hell of a soup strainer before delivering his first offering.

Outfield - Kirk Gibson
255 HR, 284 SB, 1,552 Hits in 17 seasons

Hit one of the most memorable home runs in World Series history en route to the Dodgers improbable series win over the Oakland Athletics in 1988. Also, no doubt hit on numerous eligible females while playing with Detroit, LA, Kansas City, and Pittsburgh. And why not? With a mustache like that, he would be doing men nationwide a tremendous disservice if he did otherwise. Injuries limited him to an average of less than 350 at bats per season. But I bet you can guess what didn't limit him one bit. By the way, he's already out third Dodger on this list! What in the name of all that's sacred is going on at Chavez Ravine, and why aren't more teams taking notice?

Outfield - Rob Deer
.220, 230 HR, 1409 K in 11 seasons

Swing as hard as you can, on the off-chance you make contact. What a fun ballplayer Rob Deer was, and what a great mustache he had (and I hope, still has). This is a guy who struck out once every 2.75 at-bats for his career. Think about that. Over the course of 600 AB's (a total he never reached in one season), that works out to 218 punch-outs. To his credit, he also hit a home run every 16.9 at-bats for his career (which works out to 36 big flies per year with 600 AB's). Yes, Rob Deer was Adam Dunn without the walks, when Adam Dunn was in diapers. The remarkable part about Deer's career is that, despite the ball's uncanny ability to avoid his bat almost all the time, he played for 11 years, with 5 different teams. Nobody seemed to care about the obscene K totals so long as he sent 25 a year into the cheap seats. For the 8 years between 1986 and 1993, Deer hit .232, .238, .252, .210, .209, .179, .242, and .210. And in each season he had at least 393 at-bats. That's the kind of happy-go-lucky attitude true mustache aficionados can appreciate.

Outfield - Barry Bonds
.299, 734 HR, 1930 RBI, 509 SB, 2,426 BB in 21 seasons and counting

Many people forget Barry Bonds used to look like this...and I don't mean 50 pounds lighter and smiling. I mean, sporting some whiskers below his nose. Yes, his Pittsburgh, and early San Francisco days were a simpler time for all of us. Everyone thought "the cream" was what you asked your friend to pass you as you prepared your morning coffee. "The clear" was what most accused murderers would be in, not long after hiring Johnny Cochran. Roger Maris held the single-season home run record. Hank and The Babe were safely positioned at #1 and 2 respectively on the all-time list. Nobody knew what BALCO was. And people still hated Jose Canseco, but not nearly as many and for different reasons. Those were the days. Anyway Bonds had a mustache and he's pretty notorious, so he makes the list.

Starting Pitcher - Randy Johnson
280 W, 3.22 ERA, 4544 K in 19 seasons and counting

I ask you one simple question. Would this have been nearly as intimidating if Randy Johnson was clean shaven? The answer is no.

Starting Pitcher - John Smoltz
193 W, 154 Sv, 3.27 ERA, 2,778 K in 18 seasons and counting

A terrific starter, a terrific closer, a terrific mustache, and a terrific ambassador for the game. Smoltz was with the Braves back in the God-awful days from 1988-1990. He was with them when they won the division every year there wasn't a strike, from 1991 to 2005 (with '91 representing the official beginning of the afore-mentioned, Sid Bream era). He's won a Cy Young. He's been to 7 All-Star games. And even though he turns 40 this May, he's still considered one of the game's better pitchers. Some credit his longevity and success to his work ethic and conditioning. I credit it to his frequent use of a mustache (often appearing as a goatee, or full-fledged beard as well).

Relief Pitcher - Dennis Eckersley/Rollie Fingers
Eckersley: 197 W, 390 Sv, 3.50 ERA in 24 seasons
Fingers: 114 W, 341 Sv, 2.90 ERA in 17 seasons

It's my list, so we can have two winners if I say so. In all honesty, Eckersley's was the superior career across the board, especially considering he was a starter for his first 12 seasons. But they're both Hall of Famers and Fingers' handlebar mustache is probably the most famous in baseball history. So you can't have one without the other. By the way, Eck and Smoltz are the only two pitchers in history with a 20-win season and a 50-save season in their careers. And they both have mustaches. Coincidence? 'Fraid not.